Starts the same as any other day. Breakfast, coffee, lots of water, eat small bits all day. Things seem to be going well. Paulee comes over with Carys. Have not seen them in ages. Nancy also comes over for a visit. She has been in Montreal for a wedding. Paulee has a lot of questions, which is fine. I will talk to just about anyone, specially if they contribute other than OMG!.

I play with Carys. I use that term very loosely. We sit at the pond and count the fish. I have to get some fish food for the next time she is over. She loves to feed them and wanted to drop some leaves into the already murky pond.

I finally go back to the deck and sit in my chair to keep an eye on her. That is about all I dare do. Not sure if I have the energy to do more, or if I am just scared to over-exert myself. She is very entertaining. Janet and Paulee come out separately to make sure I am OK playing with her. We are doing just fine.

Leslie comes out and I go inside. I finally go upstairs to lie down around 5. I have a headache, a very slight one, and am trying to figure out where it is coming from. Everything has a deeper meaning now, or claims to. I hear Carys coming up the stairs and Paulee is attempting to stop her. He is sleeping she says. Carys yells back: No he is NOT! And runs to my side making sure I knew she was there. Before I can move, she tries to open my eyes. Ouch! She wants me to see her new dress. So cute. She parades it for me, then goes downstairs. I am not doing well and go to the bedroom to lie down.

Take my temperature: 37.8. Janet comes up about 10 minutes later. Paulee and Smaulee have left. I heard Smaulee yelling a healthy goodbye for my benefit. I tell Janet about my temperature and she wants us to go to hospital right away. We make a deal, if it reaches 38, we go. I take my temperature. Shit. We go to emergency at TGH.

The place is almost empty. The triage nurses (there are two of them) are not very friendly. We seem to be in their way. They take my temperature, and I do not have one. Faker. We finally get called in. Finally is a bit of an exaggeration. Not much time went by.

We are ushered into another waiting room. There are signs everywhere prohibiting the use of cell phones. I count 5 people using theirs including us. They take my temperature, my pressure, my blood. We wait. It is a civic holiday, and there are very few staff. We are finally ushered into a room. The Doctor is so nice. Very personable. Smiles a lot, very assuring. Arranges for a chest and abdomen X-Ray and we have to vacate the room. Somehow, they are short of rooms.

X-Rays are done in very short order. We go home to come back an hour later. No sense in waiting there for the hour. I am hungry.

Results are in. Same old. No surprises. Blood is fine, urine fine, chest shows lesions, spots, whatever. Go home and let the system take its course. Nothing wrong with coming in when you have a temperature, but next time wait for 38.5, and a couple of hours to make sure it does not go away. Whatever. I suddenly have energy. Maybe it is the 3 Tylenols they gave me, or the food I ate when we went home. My temperature is definitely gone. Bizarre.

We go home. I go to bed. It has been a hard day. On the bright side, this is the first sign of what should have been happening. They keep asking me if I have a temperature, I had one, albeit for a very short time. There are so many emotions mixed in all of this.

This is the first external sign that things are not good. We are expecting a phone call this week for the colonoscopy. Cannot wait. No really. It might clarify things a bit, shed some light on whatever it is. This waiting business is not good for the spirit.

This has been a good day, though I barely slept last night. Tossed and turned with a way over imaginative brain keeping me awake and tortured with insane thoughts. Watched TV for a bit at 2AM. As usual nothing of consequence showing. Finally went back to bed around 3AM and fell asleep. Drinking all this water does not help. Have to pee every 2 minutes. If only there was a dignified way to pee while asleep.

Woke up around 8:30. Had a chat with Janet, then went downstairs to make breakfast. I am very hungry. Did not eat enough the night before. The must have espresso, along with a delectable fruit salad. Papaya, pear, apricot, grapes, banana, yogurt, honey. I make it in a small salad bowl. There is really a lot of it. I ate too fast, which my stomach was quick to remind me.

Put the laundry in the machine, then went outside to adjust the pump we bought yesterday. I figured it would be emptying the pond, which it was. Took a few minutes to fix that, can’t have the fish dying. Took a quick shower and a shave, and got ready for the day. I am finding it important to shave. Look good, feel good?

We had brunch at the new Mildred Pierce, whatever it is called around noon with Judy and Arlin. Huevo Ranchero for me. It was huge and delicious and I managed to eat the whole thing. So proud of myself. Janet and I went for a short walk looking at furniture and reconnoitering the Liberty Village area. Went home around 2. I felt tiredness coming. The Huevo Ranchero has not made a mess of my system.

Janet is going shopping for supper food. Leslie and Devin are cooking. I make a point of reminding them that I have to eat on time. Tried to take a nap around 3, and failed. So went downstairs and watched too much television. Janet came home and started making supper. Had a conversation with my brother which I had to cut short after 20 minutes. Can’t listen for too long.

Waiting for dinner, but it is late. Always is when those two cook together. Janet gets me some pea soup to tide me over. But it is not enough. By the time the main meal comes at 7:30, I am a basket case. Emotional as hell. Cannot hold back the tears. Janet stays with me and hugs me. I eat, but I cannot go too fast. Dev comes up to see if everything is OK and cannot hold back his reaction to the way I look. I am worried about him. Worried about Janet as well. This is a lot of pressure.

Finally settle down. All these events seem to point to something. Some sort of emotional resolutions. But none appear. I am also too tired and dazed most of the time to think clearly. We are still in the process of telling everyone. Gradually making phone calls. I insist on calling some people. Janet does most of the talking. In some cases wrenching the phone from my hands. I am way too emotional.

The night ends with no further drama.

I sleep the sleep of the dead.

I am feeling fine, emotional, but basically fine. Janet goes to her Pilates club. I pack the car, run a couple of errands and pick her up. I pack my own lunch even though Heather is a great cook. But my diet is so restricted that Janet suggests we take leftovers for me

We go to the market. Murray who owns the organic store is so delighted to see me. Big handshake and a semi-hug. The new sign for the store is delivered. He insists we stay and take a look at it. He is so proud of it. We buy a bunch of stuff. The bag is too heavy for me to carry by myself. Janet and I each hold a handle. Suddenly, I am 80. We laugh about it. This is the new normal.

We leave town around 11:00. Traffic is light and we make great head way. The farm is not very far and we get there by 12:00 or 12:30. They have another guest, a woman named Beth. She and Janet know one another.  Beth says she is going to change her wig and might go swimming. Wig=chemotherapy=cancer. I remember that from my mother.

I go inside the house and talk with Neil. He wants to watch his rugby games. I have not watched in a long time and beg off the invitation to join him. He asks after my health and I tell him. He is disturbed by what he hears, but has a very clinical approach to listening. We go outside to join the others, and Janet is holding court and is obviously bringing all up to date. The first thing I hear when we get to the pool is Beth addressing me saying: “I hear you have your own set of health problems”. It is in the open and with a total stranger, at least to me.

A very interesting and enlightening conversation ensues. She has a lot of experience and advice having just gone through this. Live every day on that day. Keep positive. Surround yourself with support. Diet. Medical system. What to look for. Emotional stability. And on and on it went. Everyone is so supportive, one forgets how bad things could still be. We have to keep reminding ourselves, we still don’t know.

We leave around 3PM to head home. I feel good. No crash and no feeling of exhaustion. Janet wants to go straight home. I say we go for ice cream. We arrive at the ice cream store -Ed’s where else- by around 5. We have invited Sascha and Leigh to join us. He has been calling at least once a week to see how I am. She has not called. Not even once. I am very sore about that. Have not spoken with her in about 4 weeks. I can barely look at her. I tell her I am fine in response to her question to which she responds that she knows I am not and am just saying that. Not sure what I am supposed to say. Do I go into a litany of woes and concerns whenever someone asks? According to the new normal, I am fine. I am as fine as can be expected given the circumstances. Still alive, as Alex Miklos used to say.

We have our ice cream, by which time, we really have to go home. Tired. Need to rest. Not much happens for the rest of the evening. These pauses in life are spent trying to come to terms with what is happening. I do not have feelings of “why me?”. Such a wasted thought pattern. Instead, how do you deal with this. What strange conversations to have.

What is the new normal?

Now what? We are in a bit of a stupor. We start calling everyone to let them know what is going on. We do not want any surprises. It is not easy. A number of people are in shock and have trouble with what they are hearing. Everyone is very supportive. I talk with Fo’ad. Not much to say since it is all conjecture and no one is sure of anything. We have lunch with Morris. Dev and Ariela join us. I think it is important for Morris to see me. He is very disturbed by all this. Lunch is good and light. Then everyone goes their way and we make our way home.

We keep talking about the new normal. Life will never be the same, and that has to be accepted. But a new normal has to be achieved. We have to stay positive. I drive. Often Janet drives now. I am too tired and need to rest or cannot be trusted to drive.

The day is a blur. We read, talk. I drink water, lots of water. Have to cut down on tea and increase my water intake. Bummer. We rest, answer phone calls and messages. This part is getting tiring. Lucky Janet is bearing the brunt of it. I talk with a couple of people just so they can hear my voice and see that I am basically healthy.

We get a phone call from Heather Fraser inviting us to the farm over the weekend. How prophetic is that. They are well connected to the world of medicine. We never thought of calling them, and here they are calling us. We make plans to go to the farm the next day.

Another big day. This will tell all. Can’t have coffee or muffins or anything. Fuck! We show up at the hospital, but I have forgotten my paper work, Janet goes home to get it. I wait for the Technologist to show up and process us. There are very few people waiting. Turns out I do not need the papers. Everything is in the computer. I go in the room, dress in those ridiculous gowns and wait for the Ultrasound technician to show up. There is a lot of holding your breath going on. I can’t see the screen. Janet can from her perch in the far corner of the room. A bit Kafkaesque if you ask me. She can’t tell anything anyways. All very blurry. The technician goes and gets the radiologist. Very direct, almost brutal oriental lady. She has no time for niceness and starts asking questions again. Temperature, traveling schedule and a bunch more. I forget what they were. I let Janet handle her. It is finally over. Clean up and get dressed. Go to see Doctor Ruth.

We sit in the waiting room. Sandra, the receptionist is really nice. I have joked around with her a couple of times. She is very compassionate. There is obviously a problem and she is not going to add to them. We wait. Finally, we decide that she should call us wen the doctor wants to see us. We will go for a walk and maybe get a bite to eat.

We have breakfast and discuss the surreal quality of it all. Not knowing is the worst part of it. Two hours later we are back at the doctors office and she is ready see us. But first, she needs a bathroom break.

Things are getting more confusing.

• Inflamed bowel wall that could indicate a tumour of some sort
• Liver spots that could be tumours
• Lymph node leaning too close to the liver. Not showing any signs of anything but cannot be ruled out as the source of the spots
• Lesions in the lung

Add the growth to the list and you have… not sure. Not showing the symptoms of what it could or should be. The accumulation of events is concerning. Time for the experts. GI, Liver, and others. No reason to take anti-biotics anymore. The long weekend is coming and no one is responding. We go home to wait. The surrealness of the situation is overwhelming. Not sure what to think, how to react.

3:00PM. Phone rings. We have to go to emergency to get into the system before the long weekend so the processing can start. A necessary pain done willingly.

We arrive at The Toronto General Hospital emergency around 4:00PM. This is a far cry of St Micheal’s which we have frequented often visiting and assisting others. Clean and almost empty. No one wailing with bullet and knife wounds. We are taken in within the hour and shown a bed. The required temperatures and stats are compiled by the nurse. Her demeanour is quietly assuring and efficient. She also take 4 vials of blood. I ask her to leave me some. She smiles. It will take about an hour to get results in, so we can relax.

Another nurse comes in requesting a urine sample. Take your time she says. She has no idea how many times I have to pee. This is not an issue of when, but of how much. She offers to bring me a blanket since I appeared to be trying to sleep. I am off to pee in a bottle. Come back to find a blanket. I cover myself and try to sleep.

And then, we wait.

I cannot help but listen in on what is going on in the other three beds in the room. My curtains are closed. I wish I could somehow film this. A Dr. Ellis comes to see one of the other patients. He is very loud and overly sure of himself. Quick conversation, X-Ray ordered. He later comes back and tell the patient that they have not had a heart attack, and should go home to call their GP the next day. What they have is not an emergency. Over the course of the evening, this scene is repeated 3 times. His role is obviously to make sure emergency is saved for just that.

I get the visit from the go-home-and-don’t-bother-us-doctor. He comes across as being arrogant. Asks all the usual questions, appears to listen, but you somehow get the impression he is not, listens to my chest, and goes away saying he will help my GP who is obviously confused and could use their assistance. He comes back 20 minutes later to say the general surgeon is on his way. The power of reading charts comes through.

I am not sure what time it is, but at some point, Janet goes out to call a few people and bring them up to date. Including Leslie and Fetneh who has left messages on my phone. They will get in touch with others taking some pressure off us, or more to the point, off Janet.
We wait.

A very amiable young man comes in. Wait, the look, the accent, the name.. Yep, he is Persian, but cannot speak the language. After some pleasantries, we go through the usual questions: Nausea? Vomiting? Fever? Excessive exhaustion? You sure? He listens to my chest. Popular place my chest. The blood results are in. These are the third tests in 2 weeks to show that I am healthy. Everything is as it should be. And I look healthy. I can talk, and walk, almost at the same time. But the liver is suggesting differently. He goes off to talk to the Chief Surgeon.

We wait.

The amiable doctor comes back with the chief surgeon, an affable old geezer with.. no wait, it is a she, and she is young. Again the same questions. She at least, leaves my chest alone. But a lot of questions. She is not concerned with the growth in my sternum. Too hard, probably just bone. They are very interested in the history of cancer in the family, particularly mom’s dad who had stomach cancer. Obviously something is amiss. They go off to consult with her boss who is the Doctor we are trying to see in the first place, Dr. Gallinger.

They come back with names and a short plan. Very short. Next week is a colonoscopy, and the week after a clinic visit with Dr. Gallinger. Sometime, also, a chest CT Scan. And we can go home. I appear to be too healthy to be admitted.

I have not eaten since noon, and have not drunk anything since 3:00PM. I have a headache, and am exhausted. Add to that the stress of not knowing, of feeling that something is wrong and I am about to impose even more on my friends and family. A bit overwhelming.
We get home, eat something, and I go to bed.

Ruth, notice how this diary started with Doctor Heisey, then Doctor Ruth?  Well, we are now talking with Ruth. Ruth has been absolutely amazing through all of this. She gave us her eMail address, as well as her telephone numbers so we can reach her anytime. Janet has been in constant communication with her all night, and Ruth has been responding giving advice and reminders of things to say and request. She stayed with us all night to the bitter end at 11:00PM. I wish I could do more for her than just send flowers which I hate doing. She tells us to take a couple of days off and do something good for ourselves.

I am too confused to think tonight. I have to go to bed.

Go see clients. Trying very hard to make things appear normal. Everyone remarks on the amount of weight I have lost. Lisa tells me I should wear clothes that fit better so it won’t show as much. I tell Yama about where we stand. Then Jacquie remarks on my weight loss, and I have to [...]

Big day. Can’t sleep. Obviously tense. Go see Doctor Ruth at 12:30. Janet accompanies me. Doctor Ruth is a LOT more serious than I have ever seen her. Her smile is a bit terse and we get down to business. Dates and events gain a new importance. She is asking a lot of questions trying [...]

Nothing but confusion. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Wait for Tuesday. Relax. Can’t. Very emotional. Damn Anti-biotics. I would be emotional anyways, but this makes things so much worse. Have dinner with Judy and Arlin. Janet makes me promise to tell them. They are very supportive and concerned and all the stuff in between [...]

Doctor Ruth calls with the results of the CT Scan. It is not good. No mention of Diverticulitis anymore. Spots of the liver which should not be there. Do I have a temperature? No. Are you sure? I tell her about the growth in my sternum. She is calm. We make an appointment for July [...]

Drive Janet to Dorval airport, or Trudeau Airport as it is called now. We have a cup of coffee together. Trip was much shorter than expected. I leave around 11:30 to drive back to Toronto, this time taking the highway. The drive is uneventful. I am feeling fine, arriving home at 5:30 which is when [...]