Farokh

What a week!

accidents, fatigue, the new normal 7 Responses »
Apr 062010

Back to chemo daycare after an extra week off to celebrate the Baha’i New Year. That was on March 25. A very uneventful day as all visits to the Chemo Daycare unit are turning into.

The nurse showed up as promised. I had the pleasure of seeing Natalie again. Unplugged in no time. No fuss no muss as they say, though again I have no idea where the expression originates from. Muss is defined in the dictionary as: a state of disorder; muddle. I guess that would explain the expression, but who comes up with these?

The fatigue that set after the chemo is a whole other story. Janet tells me it is normal. I doubt it. I was virtually in bed for what seemed like forever. I would run one errand and retire to recover. I was finally out of bed and doing things on Thursday. What a relief. Kali joined me for coffee on Friday. We got to sit in the park.

A fabulous coffee house has opened around the corner from our house called The Rooster. Great coffee, lovely people and always packed. We bought our stuff and went across the street to enjoy the food, company and conversation. Kali is very well informed about the stuff Ronak Shah is talking about. Made for an interesting afternoon. Maybe once I have digested the information, I will talk about it a bit more. Fetneh also had an opinion. Makes for an interesting conversation.

Friday evening saw us in emergency at the Toronto General Hospital.

I am beginning to think it to be futile to imagine for a second that a normal existence of any kind is possible. Just as you start to relax and start a routine, something falls apart. In this case, I started experience a lot of discomfort in the stomach area to the right of the stoma. This was accompanied by a full day of no activity from the stomach. A bit disconcerting.

A doctor named Hodges looked after us. He actually had the temerity to read my chart and remember what he had read. He was very comforting and well informed about the situation. We did an stomach Xray to see if there was anything blocking the passage. Turns out that blockage of the passage is a definite possibility following operations such as mine. Not just now but essentially for ever. I keep hearing the for ever mantra over and over again. Have to start paying more attention, and come to some sort of understanding of “for ever”.

No obstruction, just stool being stubborn. Lost their way and are hunkering down for the long haul. Nothing some industrial strength Drano would not solve. I was prescribed something called Lactulose, which is over the counter. I have to take 2 tablespoons of this stuff up to four times a day. Makes ExLAx look like a glass of water. My bag floweth over. No really. Literally. Damn thing blew apart spilling its vile content. All I could do was make my way to the washroom to clean things up trying to contain the spillover. Life is nothing short of exciting. The only question I have is when do you know the system is back to normal? I guess I have to wait and see if the stomach pains return or not.

I was very upset yesterday. Mad as hell. How dare my body betray me like this? This is my one good week. The least it could is let me enjoy it. I now have to be careful for  a few days waiting for this to pass.

One more item to add to our list of stuff to watch out for.

And one more: The skin around the stoma has turned black. Not sure if it is because of the trauma it is going through or something to be really worried about. I have written to the wonderful Dr Kennedy, my surgeon for clarification. I am going to see her next Tuesday anyways. It would be nice to have some sort of clarification before that.

I have been in great spirits until yesterday, when my bag did the spilling over scene. Yesterday was not a good day, spiritually, nor physically, I guess.

Today is already better. Gita is supposed to join me for coffee. I might go to her place just for a change of scenery.

Posted by Farokh at 08:01 Tagged with: , , , ,

Picture of the week - April 2, 2010

pictures No Responses »
Apr 022010
Date: Spring 2006<br /> Location: Guadaloupe, California, Route 1</p> <p>The drive from San Francisco to San Diego product a bevy of nice pictures.</p> <p>We came across this town that looked like it came out of a cowboy film. We turned a corner and here was this town, one street, a bunch of buildings, some parked cars. We were waiting for the horses to make their entrance. We drove by this wall, and were half way down the road when I decided to go back and take the picture. It was just too tempting.</p> <p>The juxtaposition of the colours on the wall with the colours of the cars. Too hard to resist.
Date: Spring 2006
Location: Guadaloupe, California, Route 1

The drive from San Francisco to San Diego product a bevy of nice pictures.

We came across this town that looked like it came out of a cowboy film. We turned a corner and here was this town, one street, a bunch of buildings, some parked cars. We were waiting for the horses to make their entrance. We drove by this wall, and were half way down the road when I decided to go back and take the picture. It was just too tempting.

The juxtaposition of the colours on the wall with the colours of the cars. Too hard to resist.

Date: Spring 2006

Location: Guadaloupe, California, Route 1

The drive from San Francisco to San Diego product a bevy of nice pictures.

We came across this town that looked like it came out of a cowboy film. We turned a corner and here was this town, one street, a bunch of buildings, some parked cars. We were waiting for the horses to make their entrance. We drove by this wall, and were half way down the road when I decided to go back and take the picture. It was just too tempting.

The juxtaposition of the colours on the wall with the colours of the cars. Too hard to resist.

Posted by Farokh at 10:55 Tagged with: ,

A cacophony of noise

positive thinking, vision No Responses »
Apr 022010

Love that word. I am probably not using it properly. It was too good to pass up.

Remember Minority Report? The movie in which people drove their cars up buildings and down the other side? People were all abuzz about the movie when it came out imagining what the future would look like. Flying cars, flying people, cars driving up buildings, the list was endless. And to a large extent, oh so wrong.

Humans can barely take two steps on the sidewalk without colliding into one another. We have far too many accidents on a daily basis. Imagine driving flying cars. Colliding 30 ft off the ground and crashing down on top of someones head, or other cars below you. Run out of gas? good luck.  I guess all cars will be equipped with parachutes that deploy much like air bags to ensure a safe landing. The idea is preposterous. That is all we need, to transfer our congestion to the air.

The same for telepathy. We have dreamed for years to have the ability to communicate telepathically. How would that work exactly? Do we have to have line of sight to communicate with one another? How do we make sure that only the recipient hears what we have to say? Would our thoughts be broadcast for all? Cacophony I say. So many people walk around these days with their ears plugged into their own music. They are shutting out the outside world. Too much noise. Telepathic communication is doomed. I refuse to think for all to hear. Bad enough I have a blog to air my thoughts on.

And so we come to a discussion about self help. The idea that our imagination can rule the world. Imagine it and it will happen. Think hard enough about it and it will happen. As Mr. Ronak Shah has espoused, you can crash through walls and move ships with your thoughts. By the way, I do not know Mr Shah. He came to this site of his own will which is what a blog is all about and has expressed his opinion.

I do believe in the power of positive thinking. Surrounding yourself with people who are more positive than negative. Positive feelings feed on other positive feelings. Negative people bring a room down almost as soon as they walk in. There is no power in being negative. To extend this and say that our imagination can rule the world is totally erroneous and fraught with issues.

There I am sitting in the living room and decide that I want to renovate my kitchen. All I have to do is think hard, concentrate, ficus, and wish it to be. Presto digito, I have a new kitchen. My wife, who is sitting beside me, also wants a new kitchen. There we sit side by side watching the kitchen rebuild itself into a gaudesque creation since we cannot agree on the outcome and our thoughts are being developed before our eyes. I have been planning our kitchen renovation for a couple of years now and keep changing my mind around a particular theme. The planning process is wonderful.

Can we, should we be able to change our surroundings based on our thoughts? I very much doubt it.

It is said that we are using only 10% of our brain power. I am not sure how we can arrive at that conclusion. At least we have a number we can aim for. I am not sure what this information reveals about us. Is this a negative? Should we be using more? What if we were using 100%, would that be optimal, or we wish for more brain power having reached our zenith? I am very unclear about this. What is the optimal amount?

So it goes with the power of positive thinking. We are never certain as to what is good for us.  The adage, careful what you wish for would never be truer. We are, as human beings, confused as to what is good or bad. What is good for us and what is not. The benefits of certain actions become clear sometimes well into the future. Other repercussions may appear to have nothing to do with the original decision or action. That 10% capacity saves us from ourselves.

I have not known anyone who can move mountains by mere thought, nor crash through walls.

The world of computers comes up with new and novel ideas, and often gets bogged down in the details. We want to be able to communicate freely with one another. It has to be secure, and so we come with encryption. The art of garbling the message at one end and deciphering it at the other. The encryption algorithms are getting more and more complicated as people keep breaking the codes making such communication untenable. At some point the overhead required to create and maintain the encryption will overwhelm the message.

It is a complicated process. Would we have to somehow come up with the same sort of technology in our own thoughts and imagination? Encrypt our wishes so that only the desired parties can read it? Will we have to devote some of our thoughts and energies to overcoming eavesdropping?

Too many holes in this concept. People should really think things through and discuss it with others before hitting the send button.

Thanks for listening.

Posted by Farokh at 08:03

Ronak Shah – a Second Response

cancer, positive thinking 77 Responses »
Apr 012010

Some rules of engagement first:

1. Do not insult or denigrate my mother

2. Do not insult or denigrate my doctors

3. Do not insult or denigrate my nurses

4. Do not insult or denigrate my family

5. Do not insult or denigrate my belief system

6. Keep your tone and comments civil so we can continue with the discussion.

**********************************************************************

I will address the points you have made one at a time.

Read the Louise hay book before it is too late:

Too late meaning that I will be dead. I am not afraid of death. It is the only certainty in life. Everything that is born will die at some point. Neither too late nor too early, but right on time. I will welcome death when it arrives as it will liberate me from the constraints of the physical body, much as being born liberated the baby from the constraints of the womb.

I have nothing against Ms. Hay. Her experiences might make for an interesting read. Her advice is not definitive, and might work in some measure for some. I will see if I can make time to tread her book. I am not fighting cancer. Cancer cells live in our bodies all the time and are triggered into activity by some set of circumstances. Fighting the cancer means I am fighting my own body. I would rather meditate and learn to love my body. Fighting  creates inflammation which feeds cancer cells. Love reduces inflammation starving the cells. I would rather love than fight.

As I said in my previous comments, there are a large number of different kinds of cancer. What works in one situation may not work in another. To say nothing of the different reactions of body and mind to whatever we throw at our systems. There are far too many unknowns to make any single system the ultimate answer to a riddle. Cancer is a riddle.

All that happens in your life is because of your persistent strong thoughts whether positive or negative:

I am doomed. I am very passionate about what I believe. I have strong opinions, for good or bad. I could not possibly remain neutral as you are suggesting. I will leave that to the Swiss. Neutrality of thought and behaviour is the bane of our existence. Everything that happens is due to the passion of someone. I do not see passionate people dying of cancer in any greater numbers than anyone else. I will not cease to be passionate about my beliefs.

If you just sit and cry that you have cancer and believe what the doc believes, I think you will never realise the truth that life is infinite:

Last point first. Life on this earth is finite. You die, someone buries you, and you are done. The question is, do you believe in an afterlife?

I am not sitting and crying that I have cancer. I thought I made that clear in my last post. Far from it. I cry a lot out of joy. The surprise in the kindness shown me by people. The vendor from whom I have not made a purchase who says a prayer for me. The client who insists on having lunch to make sure I am OK. The client who calls once a week to make sure I am OK. The friend who visits once a week for a cup of coffee and a laugh. None are required to do any of this. They do it out of love and compassion. And yes, I cry when I receive their love and caring thoughts. I cry when people wish me a happy birthday and many more to come. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel joyous at being surrounded by so many loving and kind people.

My oncologist made it very clear that he can only do so much for me. The medications will do what they do. The rest is up to me. I thought I made that clear as well. A doctor who believes in wellness. A doctor who hugs his patients. A doctor who listens and is not not bothered by any of the question. A doctor who does not believe that knowing what type of cancer you have will help in your healing. A doctor who believes you should be well, to help yourself. Do I believe him? Yes. And I will defend him to the end of my days.  You do not have the right to disparage him in any way.

If you keep ranting, you will get nowhere:

My blog is a sure indication of my thought process. I have come a long ways from the beginning of this journey. My rantings now have to do more with a wandering mind, rather than any dissatisfaction with my situation. Do I get upset from time to time? Of course I do. No one in their right mind would not. It is a very strange place to be. A bag glued to your stomach that you have to clean at 2 in the morning, or 4, or 6 or whenever it decides to activate itself. Nothing more bizarre. Nothing that reminds you of your condition more. Life goes on.

There are a lot of people who’ve gotten cured even if a fucking doctor says there is no cure for cancer:

True enough. Compare the numbers of people who have been cured and the ones who have succumbed. The latter win, if there is such a thing. Far outnumber the others. I have cousins who have outlived the expectations of the doctor. The doctor is not all knowing. He/she bases their arguments on past experiences. There is no way for them to know anything about what you are going through. That is what makes my oncologist such an angel. He is not second guessing anything and is quite open about what he know and does not know.  Love the guy. Have I said that before? And don’t swear at him.

If you think you’re a powerless being, I think I’ll often see you ranting than seeing you take action:

I don’t rant. See above. Take action? I have taken action. I have little choice. Life has changed.

I see that you find your self hope less, but hey, do me a favor… become hopeful:

I am dying to know what gives you the impression that my self hope is low. It is very high. It gets low right after Chemo Therapy which tires me out. I do talk about death as not being a negative. I really do not see death in that light. I will live as long as I can, and live well. Enjoy the company of friends and relatives. Go traveling. Take pictures. Observe life. Enjoy the company of my lovely wife and amazing son. What more could a person ask for? Low self worth is not one of my issues.

If you don’t read these two books, don;t reply back because then you;re not respecting the good I want to bring in your life. Certainly:

Lets get something very clear. My blog, my decision whether I respond to comments or not. In fact my decision to allow your comments to go through or not. My decision to relegate you to the spam folder or not. So far, I am enjoying the discussion. Respect for what you are trying to do? Respect is earned over time. It is certainly not a given. Specially when you decide to insult my mother, doctor, and belief system.  I might very well read the books, or not. That is for me to decide. Not reading them does not show a lack of respect to anyone. It is just my decision. You are not in a position to dictate anything.

Do I believe in God:

That has been made very clear over and over again. Yes. I am a member of the Baha’i Faith. Belief in God is a matter of Faith, not positive proof. I was having a discussion with a friend about the creation of the universe. When did it happen? How did it happen? The Big Bang is the explanation du jour. Discussions about the existence of God and the creation of the universe bog down finally in the ultimate question: What created God? What created the Big Bang? Both sides fall flat on the last point. Out of nowhere comes a big bang or God. What created each? There is no answer. My joke is that God lit the fuse that created the big bang.

Have you ever seen God?

Not sure. Let me know what he looks like, and I will let you know. Not seeing something does not make its existence null and void. We do not see emotions or a myriad of other things in our lives. That does not negate the existence of feeling and emotions. Nor does it negate the existence of God. It is simply a matter of Faith.

Well, if you can believe in things and experiences that you’ve not seen ever just because your mother said or a fucking IGNORANT doctor says so, I am sure you need to believe in the power of the UNIVERSE. You can answer only those questions you know answers of so better remove your self-ignorance and increase your consciousness:

Don’t denigrate my mother. Or my doctor, who turns out to be a very smart man. I am not sure why we shy away from using the word God. The power of the universe? Could that not be God? Why not just call it God. Self ignorance is an interesting turn of phrase, I am not sure what it means. Are you saying that I am deliberately keeping myself ignorant? Are you not doing the same by denying my belief system? The wisdom of my mother? Everyone should be listened to, which is why I am letting you post your comments. And also why I am responding. Everyone has a glimmer of something in what they say that might make a difference.

Baha’is believe in the independent investigation of the truth. This places the responsibility of choosing a religion squarely on the shoulders of the believer. We have to decide what path we wish to pursue at the age of maturity – 15. We do not become de facto Baha’is. We have to make a conscious decision, hopefully after studying our options. We are allowed to change our minds. Nothing wrong with that. Your assertion that my thoughts, beliefs and way of life is influenced solely by my mother are misplaced. She had an influence, of course, as all mothers do. They are the first educators of the children. At some point, we grow up into who we are independent of parental influences.

If you read the books and implement whatever is written in it, I AM 100000000000000000% SURE YOU WILL OVERCOME CANCER.
Are you a loser or a winner? You decide.

Overcome cancer. I have cancer in my lungs, liver (both lobes) and pelvic area.  I will eventually succumb to its will, but not today or tomorrow. It will happen at some point in the far future. It is not even on my radar at this point. I am not sure why this has to be so black and white. What makes a person a winner or loser? Is it just their attitude? So many are winners in one way and losers in another. You might be a winner at business, but a loser at marriage. What are you, a winner or a loser. Not so clear what the answer is.

Finally:

I notice by your web site that you are located in India. I have no experience or knowledge of the health care system in India. I have become very familiar with the Canadian one. It has been a fabulous experience. From the many doctors and nurses that have looked after me, the volunteers, the clerks, the support staff, all have been amazing. I am surrounded by a bunch of very caring people.  Please refrain from calling my doctor ignorant. None of them have been. I have read the report from the operating room. I do not understand some of the terminology. What I can tell you is that there was an amazing amount of thought and deliberation that went into the decisions that were made. I was asleep and in no position to contribute. It is nice to know that the doctors spent as much time as they did on making their decisions. None were taken lightly.

The doctors in my hospital meet regularly to discuss our case. We are not left at the discretion of a single person. Quite a system has been put in place. It is not without its hiccups. Nonetheless, a fine system.

You sound very angry, and I have no way of knowing why. You have not answered my questions:

Do you believe in God?

What experience have you had with cancer? You or someone near you? You have read the books and, contrary to your advice of maintaining neutrality, seem very passionate about your beliefs. Why?

Cancer patients are very supportive of one another. There are no judgments. None of us got cancer on purpose and we will not take the blame for our condition. You certainly do not have the right to pass judgment on any of us. Blaming the victim is disingenuous.  You should read some of the stuff on the WHO site. 11.5 million people died of cancer last year. Not one of them is to be blamed. And don’t tell me they are all ignorant, and that the secret lies in the hands of these two authors.

That is all for now. Looking forward to your reply. And please keep it civil.

Posted by Farokh at 15:38

Ronak Shah - a Response

cancer, support 3 Responses »
Mar 302010
Thank you for visiting, reading and commenting.
Have you had cancer? Not that I would wish this on anybody.
Cancer creates a journey of discovery. About yourself, and others.  About life, about your body, and just about anything else you would care to imagine.
The thoughts you have put forward are heard every day by every cancer patient. They are unfortunately, far from the truth.
Cancer will not have a cure until we can tell where it is coming from. We really have little knowledge of its source and its trajectory. Is it caused by stress? Or is stress just a factor amongst many that provoke it?  From what I have read, there are a number of things that help activate cancer, and yet none are decisive. If stress were the activator, just about everybody in the Western world would have cancer by now.
Research on cervical cancer has revealed that it is a virus that helps the cancer invade the body. A virus that the person gets when they are in their teens. Having the virus does not mean you will get cancer, but not having it means you will not.

Thank you for visiting, reading and commenting.

Have you had cancer? Not that I would wish this on anybody.

Cancer creates a journey of discovery. About yourself, and others.  About life, about your body, and just about anything else you would care to imagine.

The thoughts you have put forward are heard every day by every cancer patient. They are unfortunately, far from the truth.

Cancer will not have a cure until we can tell where it is coming from. We really have little knowledge of its source and its trajectory. Is it caused by stress? Or is stress just a factor amongst many that provoke it?  From what I have read, there are a number of things that help activate cancer, and yet none are decisive. If stress were the activator, just about everybody in the Western world would have cancer by now.

Research on cervical cancer has revealed that it is a virus that helps the cancer invade the body. A virus that the person gets when they are in their teens. Having the virus does not mean you will get cancer, but not having it means you will not.  Current research in breast cancer appears to reveal a similar situation, it is too early to tell.  Could it be that the blood poisoning I got in Africa when I was 8 is contributing to my cancer? Could be. Or not. We just do not know enough.

My grandfather had stomach cancer. My mother lung cancer, and I am blessed with colon cancer and its complications. My mother had two brothers and a sister, none of whom got cancer. I have a brother and two sisters, none of whom have cancer. Why pick my mother? Why me? I am not being negative. But the question remains. Why would the cancer skip some and target others. There are no answers to these questions. It is just the way it it.

As far as I can tell, cancer cells live in your body, whether you have cancer or not. Something (s) triggers its awakening. It rampages through your body and does whatever damage it can until it is stopped. Can we stop it by mere imagination? By Faith? By believing? I do not think so. I am a very religious person. Not for a second do I believe that this some sort of punishment from God, some sort of retribution. If that were the case, all prisoners would be afflicted with cancer. I am also a very positive person in my outlook of life. By some reckoning, too positive. I do not lack the imagination to make things go away.

Cancer appears to be the only condition to evoke the emotions you have expressed.  Other chronic conditions seem to slide under the radar. I wonder if it is because there is so much cancer in the world. In every country, and it is so debilitating. There are stories of victory, of sorts. People who get back to work in four months. But the other stories, the ones of people dying, being debilitated, are far more pervasive. We just do not want to hear about them. A lot of cancer patients retreat from their community. In some cultures, shame is poured on the patient, as if it was their fault.

Cancer is also not curable because there are so many different kinds of cancer, each with its own challenges. I was taken off pain  killers only seven days after my operation. Am I that strong? Another cancerous friend was taken off pills in only 4 days. She is obviously stronger than I.  The nurses and doctors did not have answers. Our bodies are different, our reactions different, our tolerances different. We just do not know enough. What we do know, is to tell the patient that we do not know. Some cancers respond better better to treatments than others.

I tell all who listen, that I would be a healthy man if it were not for the caner.  I was walking around the bedroom this morning. Looked in the mirror, and there is this bag hanging from my waist. An unmistakable reminder of what I and so many supporting friends and relatives are going through.

There is no shortage of love, affections, thoughts and prayers in my life. I have a truly bountiful existence supported by far more people than I ever thought was possible. All helps, but none will cure, however much I or others believe. I believe I can fly and leap off a building, only to plunge to my death. Belief is wonderful and carries you only so far.

Change my life? In what way? Easy to say, easy to think it is possible. But in what direction? Everything we do has ramifications that appear to be greater than anything we could have possibly imagined. Who is to say which direction is right or wrong. I know of people with cancer who did not change a thing. Their cancer went into remission. Others changed and did not survive.  We just do not know enough.

My life has changed dramatically already. In ways I could never have foretold. What more?

Baha’is believe that science and religion are equals. Neither reigns supreme over the other. They are equated with being the wings of a dove, balanced and equal allowing the bird to fly. I had my Chemo session last Thursday. Apart from brief excursions, I have been in bed since exhausted from the experience. I should be alright by tomorrow morning. I will lunch with a friend on Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday. All friends helping, doing their part.

My oncologist believes in wellness. He pointed out that he can only do so much. Up to me to do the rest. I should say, up to us. I could never do it on my own. I repeat that it is the support of friends and relatives that keep things moving along. I agree with my oncologist. I try to stay as positive as is possible. I try and stay active. I try.

I am ranting a lot. I am afraid that is just the way it is.

Posted by Farokh at 15:35

Picture of the week - March 26, 2010

pictures 1 Response »
Mar 262010

We drove from San Francisco to San Diego on the old Highway One when we came across this town.

This has been a very popular picture that seems to resonate with a lot of people.

Posted by Farokh at 17:06 Tagged with: , ,

It was a good week

Uncategorized 5 Responses »
Mar 232010

I think I should take a one week break from Chemo every 6 sessions.  I was given a one week reprieve last week to celebrate Naw-Ruz, the Baha’i new year. I kept getting stronger all week as the effects of chemo and Neulasta receded. Imagine what a difference one week makes. The Baha’i calendar is [...]

Posted by Farokh at 09:07 Tagged with: , ,

CT-Scan Results - Continued

Uncategorized 3 Responses »
Mar 192010

A number of you have been asking about the results following the original post. I received the results the other day and have not called the oncologist yet. He is not so much a numbers man, as a wellness doctor. As long as you seem to be doing well, he is happy. I seem to [...]

Posted by Farokh at 07:41 Tagged with:

Picture of the week - March 19, 2010

pictures No Responses »
Mar 192010

This is a picture of my niece playing across the street from our house in the school yard. She was running around, up ladders, down chutes and slides, around stairs, through the tunnels. All the time trying to run away from my grabbing paws, squealing away.

She found safe haven in one of the tubes. I could not climb in after her. She hid in there peeking out occasionally to make sure I was not chasing her. It took a while to take this picture. She was playing peek-a-boo with me.

Posted by Farokh at 07:30 Tagged with: ,

Why?

Uncategorized 2 Responses »
Mar 182010

No cancer patient does not ask that question. Why? Why Cancer? Why me? Why now? There are no answers to these questions. Really not one. I should end this blog entry right here. I am surprised by the number of cancer patients and supporting family members who are or have become devout believers in God. [...]

Posted by Farokh at 17:30 Tagged with: ,
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