No cancer patient does not ask that question.


Why Cancer?

Why me?

Why now?

There are no answers to these questions. Really not one. I should end this blog entry right here.

I am surprised by the number of cancer patients and supporting family members who are or have become devout believers in God. Some blame the Devil for their predicament. I have written about this before. It is fraught with errors and paths that will lead to totally wrong places.

I went to see a psychiatrist, one that specializes in cancer patients. I told her about the incessant Why’s. She smiled and said, you know there is no answer to that question. I really should end this blog entry here.

We keep asking. I am hoping to stop asking soon. Seems like a total waste of time and energy.

The final question in this loop, is to What end? What is the purpose of anyone getting any sort of chronic debilitating condition?

This brings up an interesting question. Why do we, as humans, assume that there is a purpose to everything? We seem to insist that every action that takes place has a reason for being.

I take a lot of pictures and am often approached by people asking me about what I am doing. They look at the camera, seems professional, look at what I am looking at, and finally say, what are you taking a picture of? I am never sure what the answer is. I always come up with something. Look at the parallel lines formed by all these pieces of construction. Oh yeah, wow, cool, thanks. Those balconies are made of wrought iron and they all look similar, if not at different heights, makes for an interesting view. Oh yeah, wow, cool, thanks. Most of the time, the pictures are experimental. You take, you look, you don’t see what prompted you to take the picture in the first place. It was just fun to do. Digital cameras make this sort of experimentation even more fun. You keep the picture and look at it every once in a while just to be sure you have not missed anything.

There was really no purpose to taking those pictures. I am killing time while Janet shops. I am just having fun. No purpose, really. I might find a use for the picture at some later date, by for now, it can sit somewhere in the bowels of my computer waiting its turn.

No purpose. Just fun. Or not. A cold is no fun, and as far as I am concerned, has no purpose associated with it. Yet we insist on asking the question, why did I get it, what is the purpose of me being debilitated to this extent? I have asked this question of many people in various conversations.

The most common answer is that it forces you to look at your life and re-evaluate things. In which case the 75% of the population who will not get cancer is missing out on one hell of an opportunity. Either that, or my view on life was deficient in some way.

The best answer was that it is a way to cull the population. I do not have a problem with that. Why cull me, take that guy in prison, or the other offender. WE are going in a loop.

There is little doubt that you re-evaluate your life. In some ways you have little choice. You are sitting around wondering what to do with yourself. One activity a day seems all that you can handle. The rest of the time is spent thinking. At least for me. Little choice. I day dream about winning the loto so that we can renovate the house. What would you do if you had millions? I think of new products, or how to improve existing ones. I send eMails harassing my friends. They probably feel too guilty to tell me to stop doing that. I jest. I always ask if they want to receive stuff. I post regularly to all sorts of social media sites. I keep busy until I am too tired to keep busy, then the thinking starts all over again.

The mind churning, the questions returning, the doubts, the guilt, then the thankful sleep that stops everything cold. You wake up being a bit reasonable with yourself.

I have to keep busy to stop some of these questions from dominating my time. Fleeting time. There seems so much of it until it is gone. Then it seems that there was so little of it. I am told that I should write down what I do in a day. No time for that. Hah! I am so funny. Really, it matters little in my condition. Time can be fleeting, temporary, short. Whatever.

I have multiple projects on the go, a couple of which I am not qualified to do. Requires a bit of engineering design. I will have to find someone to help. Fetneh laughed at me when I told her about them. Make sure everyone has your passwords, she says, just in case, you know. We both laughed. Funny girl. I am writing a cartoon. Again, have to find an artist, though I might try my own hand at it first. Leslie is insisting that I do that.

Keep busy. Stop asking Why. It is what it is. Deal with it and move forward.

Move forward. Keep moving.

2 Responses to “Why?”

  1. insightful, enlightening, inspiring, and beautiful. haven't been to the site in a few weeks but i'm glad i did today. you've opened up my eyes to the world around us. the same one we move through quickly, day by day. thank you for sharing your views so candidly with us. hope you are able to get rid of the cold soon. thinking of you and the family.

  2. i think the truth is, we should all be doing the kind of evaluation that you are doing, but we don't because we are not forced, and we are missing out. my mother's spiritual teacher used to ask "what day is today?" and the answer was not "Saturday" or "Mar 20" but "one day closer to death" and that is true of each and every one of us, but we just don't want to think about it until we have to.

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