Not really, just seemed that way. I got my Neulasta shot as directed on Monday February 8th. As you may know by now, Neulasta kicks the living daylights out of me. Far worse than the chemo. The week is plagued with a constant temperature, low but constant. Extreme fatigue accentuated by bone aches that seem to travel through the body before settling somewhere, like the lower back. The process is over within a week, usually resulting in boundless energy.

Then came the cold. Started on Thursday last, came into full force on Friday relaying me to the bed on a continual basis. Temperatures fluctuating wildly between normal at C36.5 right up to C38.2 (F100.7 at its zenith). This went on for days until Janet insisted we go to emergency. Fo’ad was here for the week, I had all kinds of plans for us, all for naught. He and Barbara kept themselves busy while I lay on the couch pretending to be alive.

The emergency staff put us in isolation. They wore the yellow gowns and gloves and masks. I felt pretty safe from whatever disease they might have been carrying. Blood was taken, vitals signs taken twice, once in triage which showed my temperature to be normal, the second one showing some level of temperature. A chest X Ray was also de rigueur, just to make sure there was nothing in there, since they seemed to hear some sort of stuff lurking in the interior.

The blood came back clean with a high white blood cell count. Thank you Neulasta. The chest X Rays came back clean as a whistle.  I have never quite figured out why we consider whistles to be so clean after spending time collecting the spit of the blower. But there you go, lungs were clean. 3.5 hours later we are headed home. Viral infection. Drink lots of liquids. Call your oncologist tomorrow.

Did I forget to mention that their computers were down? All night. Everything had to be done the old fashioned way, paper, phones, conversations. Hence the 3.5 hours.

I felt very bad for my brother who had driven all the way here only to find me in a state of total bed riddeness. He fellt bad that I felt bad, and the circle continues.

Fetneh also came by and stayed overnight. Had a wonderful time with her, as always.

I left a message for Dr. Hedley who called to get a picture of the situation. Chemo was a go as far as he was concerned. The major part of the cold should be over by Thursday.

Fo’ad and Barbara left on Wednesday. No sense in sticking around with the sicko. They had planned to return on Wednesday all along. Fo’ad had mentioned the possibility of stayin an extra day, if it would make a difference. Did not seem to make any sense. Off they go.

I woke up Thursday morning as if the previous few days had never happened. No temperature, slight cough, full of energy. Bring on the chemo.

As you might guess, chemo has become very routine. Walked in all alone. Janet came to pick me up at the end. I watched the nurses going to and fro at a brisk pace smiling and cheering the patients along. Have I mentioned how wonderful these nurses are? Truly amazing.

We went out for dinner last night, for no other reason than to get me out of the house. I went to the market in the morning. Came home and went straight to bed. The night out was welcome.

C’est tout pour cette semaine. A bientot.

Cop on a beat

Cop on a beat

Location: Toronto, Yonge and Bloor

Story: I love reflections. Janet was shopping and I was out taking pictures. What an opportunity this was. A blank canvas, with the slightest hint of reflections in the puddles of water. I took a first shot, reset the camera for a second slightly different angle. As soon as I released the shutter, this cop walk into the scene. Crap.

I developed the pictures and soon realised that this was the better shot. The cop made the picture bringin everything into focus.

The lesson os t always take your pictures to take a look at them. Then look at them again. You never know where the gems are until you have taken a step back and look at the pictures in a different light.

Camera: Mamiya C330 Professional, Double lens reflex, Medium format.

I was talking with a Creationist a few years ago. It was fascinating. So easy to poke holes in their theories. The other side believes in evolution. It is a sacred cow of sorts. Made me wonder.

Many years ago a single cell organism, left the safety of the the water world and wandered on land. Courageous fellow. The theory is that the organism evolved to be able to breathe on land. I am not sure how long this evolution took, and why the creature did not die before he evolved enough to be able to breathe on land. I can almost imagine the conversation that took place among the group. No you go first, really, not dangerous. We are the only creatures around. Go on, go out there. So it did. And promptly died.

If we are to believe that this creature managed to stay alive for the amount of time it takes for it to evolve into a land breathing creature, then why don’t fish do that every time one is plucked from the ocean? Surely there is one fish or there capable of evolving into a land breathing creature as did the single cell organisms before it.

If it was not a single cell organism, then it was a fish of some kind. Again, more should be popping out of the ocean by now. Unless it was a particular breed that was amenable to land living, in which case all those particular species wandered onshore at the same time, en masse, as it where. Yo, everyone, time to go ashore. Does not make sense. If the fish took their time joining the party, then they evolved at different rates. Which brings up its own set of issues.

Where did the single cell organisms come from in the first place? Probably a land creature who went for a swim and decided it liked it better. It swam for a number of millennia before developing the necessary equipment allowing it to live in water. Which brings up the question of why would it develop the necessary tools to live in a different environment? Is there some cryptic code in the genes that says, OK, you have spent enough time in this environment, here are some gills. Or, if the traffic was in the other direction, here are some lungs.

We humans evolved from chimps. As my father used to say, maybe your ancestors came from chimps, mine came from humans. We are quick to accept these theories as God given truths, hardly questioning the plausibility of these theories. It takes years, if not centuries for organisms to evolve. What would make a creature develop wings? Looks up at the sky thinking that would be cool. How much time would that take? If it was that easy, why don’t humans have wings? We have always wanted to fly. We are stuck in planes instead. Birds are looking at us thinking, dumb humanoids. Just concentrate.

I am sure a number of you smart people out there will have thoughts on this. Please share. On some very basic level, it makes little sense to me after years of accepting these theories as well researched truths.

This brings us to the cancer cells within our bodies. We all have them in our bodies waiting for the right circumstances in which to grow and prosper. Is this evolution of some sort? Just a thought.

I will end this now. You get the gist of where this is going.

DSC01650.JPG

Some pictures are just weird enough to be kept around for a while.

This is a picture of Devin and Ceilidh swimming at the pool in Heather and Neil’s genteel farm in Caledon.

Obviously no flash was used.

This was a good week overall. A bit of trepidation getting mentally ready for the chemo session. Not sure why there is any trepidation. This has become an almost routine event.

Janet had to work this week, and Devin had to go to his piano lesson. I drove to the hospital for the 10:00AM appointment. Registered. Their systems had been down all morning and they were running behind. The front desk personnel were nice enough but not exactly brimming with information. I did not even ask how long the delay would be. They have never given us a straight answer in the past, why bother now?

They have this system where they give you a pager if you want to wander off. I had to go outside to burp my bag. They gave me a pager. It works only within the hospital. It works well as a system. It does allow you to wander a bit. I got to sit in a different more comfortable lounge. The only downside is the incredible volume the pager is set at. There is no way to shut it off, or lower the volume. Once it goes off, the whole world is alerted.

My pager goes off and I report dutifully to the front desk. They tell me to report to station 12. There is usually a nurse who greets you and takes you to the station. Have I become such a regular already that I get to usher myself in? A bit unnerving.

The Chemo Daycare has a large number of stations, some are beds, some recliners a la Lazy-Boy, and then they have these recliners that turn into beds. Almost flat. Just enough of an incline to be comfortable. The latter is the one I usually get. Station 12 happens to be a bed. I always wondered why some people got beds, and others not. They even two beds in private rooms. Who decides who gets what? I am the lucky one I guess, got a bed and a nurse I like, Jessica. I asked her why I was privileged, and whether we should close the curtain and have some fun. She laughed me off.

I overheard three nurses discussing the shortage of beds. Turns out they have a new patient, a first-timer, who should have a bed. I gave up my bed. Really don’t need it. Are you sure, the nurse asks. No really, I am just as comfortable in a recliner. The fuss they made over this very normal gesture. Love my nurses. They gave me a recliner in a lovely spot. I can sleep or watch the goings on of the daycare.

This is the second chemo session that I have slept through. Once the main drugs are attached to me, I put on my music, get a blanket, and start dozing. If the turn the music high enough, you cannot hear anything at all while quietly going deaf. Magic.

Devin got my a sandwich for lunch. I have no idea when he showed up. Suffice to say that I woke up just as my drug regimen ended. Ate my lunch. The drug regimen, as you consists of three drugs. The firs is Avastin which takes about ten minutes to administer. The second takes about 90 minutes to administer. The third takes 46 hours. I get to go home once the bottle is attached. A nurse comes over and detaches me sometime on Saturday morning. She happened to come early today, which allowed me to take a shower and get on with my day. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

Even Chemo is becoming a routine experience. Devin drove me home. He went about his business, I went to bed to rest. Had supper, and was soon back in bed. Had a bit of a restless sleep. My bag kept inflating to dangerous levels. I had to get up and burp the damn thing every hour. Somehow managed to go back to sleep in between. That lasted until about 6 in the morning when the maniacal BooBoo Long Paws decided it was time to play with anything and anyone who was available. Janet got up to get ready for her exercise class, I got up soon after. No point in trying to go back to sleep.

Took a welcome shower. I cannot take a shower while the pins are stuck in me. Basically, from Wednesday to Saturday. You can imagine how anxious I am to have the pins removed early so I can shave and shower. Janet and I went to eh market, and decided to wander along Queen Street to look at furniture. We are desperate for a new couch to replace the one we have that has been decimated by the wonderful Busbee.

Good plans that don’t last long. We went shopping for furniture, and ended up buying clothes for Janet, and a couple of prints for the house. Cheered us up, but no couch. We wandered into a couple of furniture stores, but decided to head home instead. I was starting to lose my energy. It was a very good morning.

My reactions to chemo are a bit confusing, to say the least. I still have my hair, so all baldy jokes are put on hold. It is thinning out every day, but still there. My appetite is amazing, which I am told is due to some steroids that I have been prescribed to handle the nausea that accompanies chemo treatments. And no, I am not bulking up, just always hungry.

I do not have any nausea or other bad effects from the Chemo, except for fatigue. It is continuous and very frustrating. Just the way it is going to be from now on. Not much can be done about it.

That’s it for this week. Thanks for listening.

Time for a bit of Canadiana. This picture was taken early in the morning on Jack Lake, at a friend's cottage. Daryl and Janet are in the canoe, while I am safely ensconced on the pier taking pictures.<br />
Location: Jack Lake<br />
Camera: Mamiya C330 Dual Lens
Time for a bit of Canadiana. This picture was taken early in the morning on Jack Lake, at a friend’s cottage. Daryl and Janet are in the canoe, while I am safely ensconced on the pier taking pictures.
Location: Jack Lake
Camera: Mamiya C330 Dual Lens

Time for a bit of Canadiana.

This picture was taken early in the morning on Jack Lake, at Daryl Aitken’s cottage. Daryl and Janet are in the canoe, while I am safely ensconced on the pier taking pictures.

Location: Jack Lake

Camera: Mamiya C330 Dual Lens

Yesterday. You read all abot it in the newspapers, saw the press releases. No? Surprisingly badly supported day.

I was at the Chemo Daycare yesterday, and nary a mention of this. Janet tells me the CBC morning show mentioned it o Wednesday, but I saw nothing in the rest of news stories. Follow this link to the WHO website and its abundant amount of cancer news.

The number of people dying from cancer ins increasing even as new control measures are discovered. Also on the horizon are discoveries as to where cancer starts and what causes to become active. We know several things already, as in food, stress, environment, all play major parts in the growth of cancer. What we do not seem to have a grip on is the relationship between all these factors.

Will cutting out red meat, eating organic foods, increasing the intake of vegetables, increasing exercise, reducing stress, reducing the intake of white sugar and white flour, reduce the risks of getting cancer? All signs point to a resounding yes. But in what combination remains to be seen. How do you reduce stress to a level that would thwart the cancer cell? Not eating red meat unless organic and grass fed is reasonably easy. Just don’t eat it. White flour and white sugar is a much harder restriction to enforce. How much fruit is enough, what levels of what? The book AntiCancer provides a guide to what foods are beneficial to stopping different forms of cancer. The trouble is you don’t know if you are going to get cancer or what type of cancer you are going to get. So what to eat? This information is worthwhile once you have cancer, but not as a preventative measure.

The WHO also prescribe getting vaccinated against cancer. This is a new discovery. Cervical cancer is the first major breakthrough. They have just finished giving vaccines to 20 million teenagers in an effort to prevent them from getting cervical cancer. Will it be successful? We will only know in about 40 to 50 years when these tenagers are of an age to get the cancer.

Research is also making inroads in showing that breast cancer might also be caused by a virus. Different that the one for cervical cancer. Not that the viruses cause the cancer, but absence of the virus means no cancer. Does this mean we will be giving 2 vaccines to women? What about all the other forms of cancer afflicting both men and women? A vaccine for each? Will someone come up with a test that will determine which viruses are lurking in your body requiring a regimen of vaccines? They better, or we will see a plethora of vaccines and their requisite side effects flooding the market.

We had our piano fixed the other day. The keys were unresponsive. The piano fixer was blind. He had cancer of the eye at the age of three. Cancer of the eye? Who knew. The age of three would be pre-vaccine. Probably his diet caused it. Seriously, this is the sort of news that throws a wrench in the best of intentions. Yet, the research must go on, and preventative measures put in place.

In my very short experience, I have discovered that cancer is not curable, but controllable, It is a chronic condition that is better prevented than dealt with after the fact. Much of the emphasis of the documents on the WHO site.

Too bad it is not better publicized.

No not from chemo. Side effects from stuff like this blog.

I am not sure what the original motivation was. Communicating with family and friends? Therapy for me? What?

The effects of the blog have been nothing short of amazing.

An acquaintance of Nancy’s wrote at the very beginning thanking me for the blog. Her aunt had cancer and withdrew from everyone for the 5 years it took to get back under control. The blog gave her a glimpse of what her aunt had gone through.

Others have expressed interesting feelings about the effect of the blog on their understanding of what dealing with this chronic condition entails.

A friend of mine, from the Art Therapy sessions put me in touch with a U.S. based site called Cancer Compass. They have articles and newsletters and links, and most importantly, blogs and letters from subscribers (free) dealing with their chronic conditions.

The only issue I have with these sites is that the U.S. treats things a lot differently than we do. People use these sites as sources of information, which is not a bad thing, except when used instead of consulting a Doctor, which costs money in the U.S.. While people are a source of information, we are also a source of misinformation.

I asked my nurses and Doctors after my operation, why I was off pain killers within 7 days of the operation. Questions from everyone seemed to indicate that this was too early. The answer is that we really do not know. Every one is different.

My reaction to chemo is another example. I have few side effects. Fatigue is one and possibly the worst.  Today was chemo day. I showed up at 10, ushered in past 11 and out of there by 2:30. They were short staffed. I was on my own. Janet had to work, Dev had his piano class. The event has become routine. Dev picked me up at the end of my session. Perfect timing. I have taken to sleeping through the session. I listen to music on my iPhone. Not the best, but not an issue since I am asleep through most of it.

The nurses ask you a host of questions before administering the treatment. The only positive answer I give them is the fatigue. No allergies, no vomiting, or anything else on the list. Almost gratifying. I watch others in the room, lying down in beds or sitting in chairs, some looking sad, others obviously debilitated by the experience. And there I am, laughing along with my nurses who could obviously use a break.

All this to say, that I went onto the Compass site and joined their community. I go on once in a while to read the posts. Takes time, which, ironically, I seem to be short of. Not as in time before dying, just time on a daily basis. But that is for another day.

I received an eMail from another subscriber of Cancer Compass. Her husband, who is a bit older than me, is going through what I am going through. Colon cancer that has metastasized onto the liver. She, the wife, is scared, as well she would be. He has just had his operation, and is having the usual reactions.

His wife and I are exchanging eMails. She keeps me up to date with what he is going through, and I offer her my experiences. On one side is the positive effects this is having on her. The other side is that my experience will not be the same as his. It helps give her an idea of what to expect, what directions things will go in, but it may not be definitive.

Did I mention they live in Denver? To which all I can say, is amazing. Here we are communicating across a continent. A bit humbling.

How many are affected by our actions, whether intended or not? I am affected by the eMails I send her. They are proving interestingly therapeutic. Going over my experiences and verbalising them again. She has access to the blog, but finds it easier to write eMails.

Yet we go through our lives impervious to the effects our actions have on others.

Any thoughts?

I am late, so very late in keeping this blog up to date. I will make this post an update of two weeks.

You have all read the Euphoria piece in which the cancer cells appear to be retreating before the shock and awe that is chemo. The spell of the good news kept me going for quite a while. The day of reckoning came when we met the oncologist, Dr. Hedley.

Ever the realist, the good doctor is not overwhelmed by the news. He tempered our expectations. One CT-Scan does not a trend make. Don’t get over excited. He was expecting positive results, maybe not as positive as the ones we got, but this is not a time for partying. This is Euphoria-reigned in.

Dr. Hedley believes that the chemo will run its course shrinking the tumours. There will come a time, however, when the tumours stop responding. We will take a break from chemo at that point and monitor the tumours on an on-going basis. Chemo will resume when the tumours decide to grow again. This will go on, basically, for the rest of my life, as long as it may be. We asked about a liver operation. The good doctor felt that the operation is unwarranted since it would be quite harsh and hard on me.

This begs the question of the severity of the operation. I just went through an 8 hour operation, and he thinks the liver operation will be severe? How bad is this operation?

It took a while for reality to set in. As things go, this is not so bad. My reaction to chemo treatments has been a bit bizarre to say the least. I have had a few side effects, a lowered white blood cell count, fatigue, and the discoloration of the skin on my hands making it look as if I need to wash them, and nose bleeds due to low platelet counts. . The white blood cell count is reversed by Neulasta. Fatigue by sleep. The discoloration by gloves. No, not really, I am not wearing gloves to cover them. They are what they are.

If this is the worst chemo can do to me, I am willing to take the chemo treatments whenever required. Chemo taken in short bursts will negate the requirement for Neulasta. That is a plus. I told them to put a zipper in when going into the first surgery. No idea why they did not listen to me.

The rest of the week went very well.  I am showing few signs of being on chemo. My appetite is fine, thank you very much. If things keep going this way, I may have to go on a diet. I still have a lot of my hair, though admittedly thinned out. Turns out I have SO MUCH hair that losing a bit of it puts me on a par with a lot of other people.  No sense going for a hair cut since it is not growing. I have to shave every two to three days instead of every day. What a relief that is. Seriously.

Fetneh came to visit. Always a pleasure. We talked, we laughed, we shopped. Tool her a high end furniture store, just for fun. No shopping trip would be complete without some fashion adventures. Off we went to Yorkdale mall. The precedent has been set. We will have to take her to a new Toronto experience every time she comes here.

Some of my days have been extremely productive. Others have been less so. The fatigue is sometimes overwhelming. I am a bit confused by all this and attempting to reason things out. I might be overdoing things when I am feeling strong and mighty and paying the price the next day. Not sure. I spent Saturday almost entirely sleeping. Friday, on the other hand was a very good day. The answers will come in due course.

I am now preparing myself for chemo week. If all goes according to plan, I should sleep through this session. Next CT-Scan is on March 8 when we will have a better idea of what is going on.

Thank you for being there, visiting, writing, commenting, praying.

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