It’s all about me now. Life has never been all about me. It has always been about others with me playing a supporting role. But it is all about me now. Not necessarily because people love me all the more, but because they have little choice in the matter. And I feel guilty about it. All the time.

Guilt is everywhere. We feel guilty about just about everything. It is all consuming.  Paralyzing. It makes us do things and behave in ways that would not happen if we did not feel guilty. What I saying here is not new.

I watch as people wait on me hand and foot. I am often too tired to do anything about it. I go to bed at 8 while others stay up and clean the kitchen.

I am not allowed to vacuum because of the weight of the vacuum ceaner.

I can go shopping, but cannot carry anything over 10lbs. Too much strain on the stomach, more to the point to the rearranged pieces in the stomach.

I can tidy things up, but only to a point.

Mostly I lie around and watch others do things for me, around me.

And guilt is the most destructive feeling I have within me at these moments. I am putting people through a nightmare, and am powerless to take them out of it. The doctors and nurses all emphasize that this is all about me. I should not feel guilty. Go to bed when you are tired. Don’t feel guilty. It is all about me.

But I do feel guilty.

The situation is slowly changing. I am getting a lot stronger. I am driving the car and going out a lot more by myself. This is all in my good week of course. I emptied the dishwasher the other day, and am starting to do it more often. Seminal moments. I am also starting to fill it up. Life is getting better. I am a bit nervous around knives. I am told that the chemo makes you more prone to bleeding badly when you cut yourself. I am very careful around the sink.

But the guilt comes back in the chemo week when I am too tired to do anything. It is a very negative feeling. I have attempted to lead as guilt free a life as possible. Things happen. Deal with it. Apologize. Talk about it. Move on. Do not dwell on things. It may take me a while to formulate my thoughts and think through the process. Don’t let negative thoughts linger. Deal. Move on.

This journey has created all kinds of complications. Some obvious. But guilt was unexpected. Guilt over not being to do something you have done all the time. Specially when you appear healthy. But you are not.  At least not all the time. Somehow, you fail to let the good weeks make up for the bad weeks. The two should balance one another. They don’t.

Guilt is a terrible thing.